After extending my trip to Las Vegas I was coerced into going to the gym. Sure, when you are 3 sheets to the wind this sounds like a worthwhile activity...Mind you, This term, "Worthwhile" is completely subjective.
At this point my opinion of a worthwhile activity was a essential shopping trip to buy more oranges, limes, patron, beer, Ciroc Vodka & coconut water (For after every shot to keep hydrated). Come on, I'm a cross fitter. I try to live the whole Paleo lifestyle. I drank beer in moderation...because I know: CARBS ARE BAD FOR YOU!!
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| The guy holding the dumbell is Dorian |
Anyway, getting back to being coerced into going to the gym...Gotta be me to hang with a strongman. My main man Dorian, is one of the few people I know who is an active member of 24 hr fitness. not just deposit their money there He told me he was going to the gym, so I was going. Normally, I'd make like my kids and ignore the adult speaking. Although, when a guy who can overhead a combo of you, your kids & hid two dogs with ease you don't argue.
Getting my WOD on at the Friendly neighborhood Globo Gym. — with Dorian Cheney at 24 Hour Fitness - Wigwam Agassi, NV.
He takes me to his favorite 24 hour fitness. As he puts it, where there is a good mix of "normal" people who workout. It must be a Vegas thing. I'm just flattered that I might be in the "normal" category. As I walked through the double doors I felt some guilt like I was cheating on RFM...A place for everything, everything in its place...
The gym was HUGE. Indoor basketball court, workout/dance room, sauna & indoor pool (If RFM had a suggestion box that's what I would request for 95% of the year).
I have never seen so many machines in my life. There were dozens of treadmills, elliptical machines, stair masters, stationary bikes including those stupid lazy boy type bikes you see people reading a magazine on. (Now THAT is an oxymoron).
We've got a machine for that
You need a to do an overhead press? There's a machine for that. Need to do some abs, there's a machine for that. Need assistance doing dips or pull-ups, there is a machine that pushes you up WHILE to do them. You got back fat? There's a machine to work that. My personal favorite, squatting while you sit down! My lazy ass self thinks this is great idea. Why waste the energy doing them while standing?
That's not for me. I love torture the good old fashion kind. Barbells & Body weight. Not to mention, those machines are made for fricken giants. I tried using a machine to do curls but that was useless. I liken it to being T-Rex trying to so Handstand push ups...
Jacked up Kenyan runner with the iMissle that almost cost me my teeth.
I warmed up on the treadmill. 1.2 miles in 10 minutes. While I hate running, I was enjoying running to nowhere. I watched 5 different people hop on and off various machines in front of me in that time frame. Of course it wouldn't me if I didn't do something klutzy. "Welcome to the jungle" was blaring in my ears. Completely jacked up from Axel, running like I was a Kenyan in the Boston Marathon. I yanked my headphones out my iPhone it dropped on the belt between my legs & shot out the back like a missile!Of course I didn't stop the belt. That would require hindsight...I simply jumped off. Upon retrieving my iphone I stupidly jumped back on the belt...it was like a cartoon, my little hampster legs on overdrive, I stumbled flying head first almost smacking my face into the control panel.
Don't quit your day job
After my treacherous warm up I needed to stretch. Not the best situation when you are surrounded by mirrors and people on treadmills. Doing the stripper pose, perfect stretch, downward dog & groiners made me look like I was auditioning (badly I might add) for a exotic dancing gig. It was hard not to feel awkward when you have your cooche& booty all up in a stranger's grill...Shut up and squat damnit...no wait, not yet
Back squat time! YEAH but NO....I had to wait my turn. There was only one rack to do that. Why was I surprised that 24 hr would waste precious floor space for something was NOT a machine? What made it worse was the dude who was using it, did the same weight, one rep then rest and repeat: 20 TIMES! I wanted to snap. "HELLO DINGLE BERRY THERE'S A MACHINE FOR THAT!" Get with the damn program!
I stood there, suffering in silence. The passive aggressive part of me came through and I gave him the meanest stink eye! Uh huh, I went there! That's right, I'm hard like that!! Hard like jello.
I stood there, suffering in silence. The passive aggressive part of me came through and I gave him the meanest stink eye! Uh huh, I went there! That's right, I'm hard like that!! Hard like jello.
Mental talipia or ESPN....I can read minds!
I was getting strange looks from the guys in the area as I started setting up the bar. Me, I'm special I was feeling the "vibes" you know, Mental Talipia (it's mental telepathy, local style) I also have ESPN (Extra Special Portuguese kNowledge). Like I said, I can read minds.
"What the hell? Is the circus in town?""Shouldn't a 12 year old be in school?""I didn't know the rack could go THAT low!"
"She must be lost, where are her parents?"
"No way she's going to squat."
BOOM! That just happenned...bitches!
So yeah, the female escapee from the Emerald city can back squat. I'm not one to brag. Nah, I am....They were NICE! I have good technique because was taught by the best! RFM Hollah!!
Admittedly, the weightfelt heavier than I normal. I guess that's what you get when you take almost a week off from CrossFit. Okay, okay, it might had a little to do with the beer. Not the patron, never...that's paleo, right?
After I was done I was ready to get my WOD on. This posed a few logistical problems. Finding a small area to do thrusters not so bad. But the shuttle run was out of the question because people actually played basketball on the indoor court....Bunch of weirdos...Burpees are the only reasonable substitution.
In the end, available space was the deciding factor when choosing the barbell suitable for thrusters. The gym had a set of ready made barbells that looked like Dwarf Games Powerlifting equipment. Again, hard to look all hardcore CrossFit rocking that clown bar & weights.
WOD: 4 rounds for time
12 Thrusters
15 Burpees
1:00 min rest
Round 1: 60# and did 15 burpees. The I did it unbroken. Slightly gassed but was managable. Rest for 1:00 minute...which is too fast.
Round 2: Same weight, 15 burpees. Struggling to get the bar overhead, had to stop twice. Decide that the next 2 rounds it will be all about technique. By the time I finished my thrusters. Fatigue had set in and the movents were getting sloppy. The burpees were a welcome change. It was easier to do that than lifting...Stupid, stupid, stupid. False sense of hope.
Round 3: 50# and 15 burpees. I had to lower the weight if I didn't want to get hurt or stop. Remembering technique too saved me. I popped those hips. I gave it to that bar so hard & with such force if it was a chick, she'd need a cigarette after this WOD. My burpees were UG-AH-LEE. I started to feel nausous...GGRREEAATT
Hallejuah! I made it through another round...1 minute break. I was dying, bent over hand on my knees gasping for air. I sucking in the air with such force it was like I was a hooker giving a blow job....
Round 4: same weight, same amount of the devil's favorite, BURPEES! I know I almost vomited in my mouth. However, I was so traumatized by this round my mind blocked out the memory. I'm sure I'll have PTSD night terrors about it one day....
So ingrained in CrossFit I am that I mustered up what may or may not have sounded like the word, TIME! Probably sound like, THUUGHMIME. Would be awesome had I had enough oxygen to my brain to remember my time...Oh well, I KNOW IT SUCKED....No harm done.
Looking like I got run over by dump truck I stumbled to the nearest wall for support. Dorian walked over, took one look at me and laughed. He had to ask me 4 times if I wanted my protein shake now. In my mind I said yes, audibly I sounded like Sloth from the movie, "The Goonies". Bless his heart, he actually understood Sloth-speak. Eventually, I had enough energy to mix my own shake and took another 20 minutes to drink it and get back to semi- normalness.
I felt accomplished that I did a WOD while on vacation. Not sandbagging even if no one was there to hold me accountable. But since it's Vegas, and I had lost a ton of alcohol working out I had to replenish the supply with more later that afternoon. Not wanting to be haunted by the 4th round I decided it would be a good idea to take a few extra shots....
We did go back the next day. But I couldn't replicate the magic of the first day except....when it came to the drinking part.
I knew you knew I would say that because I have Mental Talapia. Remember I'm special...I have ESPN folks.
Catch ya at the box,
Kathy
